Article: Lay Down By My Side

written by Connie, in Colorado

I really wasn’t sure what to expect from the workshop before arriving. I thought that it would be an introduction to Equine Facilitated Learning and how the processes work. I did not expect to have a powerful, personal experience that completely moved me in a way I never thought possible.

The first exercise of the workshop, Meet the Herd, challenged me to move outside of myself, outside of my comfort zone. I had to trust myself and listen to my inner voice. It was during this exercise that I first had contact with Reggie. I had noticed that Reggie stood at the back of his stall with his rear end facing the stall door. He didn’t seem to be interested in participating in the activity, unlike the other horses that seemed eager to engage with the participants as they stood with their heads reaching across the stale panels. It wasn’t until I walked away from Reggie’s stall that he turned around and came forward to his stall door. He stuck his head over the fence and whinnied to me. He looked me in the eye and I felt deep down that he didn’t want me to leave, that he wanted to tell me something.

Afterwards, when we were sharing our experiences with the group, I felt incredible nervous to share my experience with Reggie. I thought the other participants would reject my experience as not accurate or possible. This was not the case, however. The participants readily accepted my description and supported my experience which made my nervousness fall away. I began to relax and become more open to the process. It was clear that Reggie would be the horse that I would work with for the round pen session.

I was anxious and nervous about the round pen session. I actually had thought nothing would happen in the round pen, that Reggie would completely ignore me and I would look like a fool.

At the beginning of the session, Kathy had me go through the Mind Body Method Coaching process that included closing my eyes and allowing my awareness to go inwards. During this time, the feelings and thoughts that kept rising up within me was that I was not a good person. This was something that I had been told in one way or another by everyone in my life since I was a child. I thought I had dealt with that issue long ago, but here it was again.

Kathy asked me what it was that I wanted from Reggie and what I wanted from the round pen session. I really just wanted to connect with Reggie and feel a sense of peace. I didn’t need to touch him or pet him; I just wanted to experience a sense of peace. Kathy asked me to open my eyes and take a look at my horse.

To my surprise, Reggie was laying down on the other side of the round pen. He was laying on his right side with his back toward me. As I entered the round pen, I approached Reggie tentatively, fully expecting him to jump up when he heard me approaching. He didn’t though. Instead, he laid there with me standing at his feet. He began moving his legs and his eyes rolled into the back of his head in a way that made me feel he was connecting to a place beyond us both, a spiritual place I was unable to see or feel. It is something that is difficult describe even to this day. This lasted for a few minutes, until Reggie ultimately rolled onto his belly and then stood up. He walked away to the other side of the pen leaving me to stand in my same spot completely speechless. When Reggie walked away, he went to the water bucket and began drinking as if he hadn’t had anything to drink for years.

Kathy met me where I was standing in the round pen to process my experience thus far. As we were processing, I felt overwhelmed with emotion and began crying uncontrollably. Kathy helped me to see that what I was feeling was my false self: “I am not a good person.” She helped me to replace my false self with an authentic one: “I am okay” (I couldn’t quite get myself to say that I was a good person). Once I was able to speak my authentic voice with conviction, Reggie turned and came to stand by my side. He placed his barrel parallel with my body. I reached out and touched him. I felt a flutter in my heart and a sense of peace that I never expected (before it had been filled with pain). It is difficult to describe the emotions that I was feeling at that moment. Reggie then moved away to stand a few feet away from me. I approached him so I could tell him what was in my heart and what I was feeling. I spoke to him and stroked his neck as I released my internal conflict. Reggie remained completely still until I finished speaking. When I was done I thanked him for being with me. He moved away and stood at the gate of the round pen, obviously done with his job.

Reggie placed himself in the most vulnerable of positions. For a horse to lie still when someone is standing at their feet is just not a natural position for them. It goes against the most basic instinct a horse has, self-preservation. Reggie told me in no uncertain terms that I was indeed a good person, someone who could be trusted. Reggie showed me that my belief was not authentic, but rather came from my false self, the self that I needed to let go of.

Since that session with Reggie, I have a new awareness of the false self I carry with me every day. When I start to slide back into my old thought patter, I think of Reggie and the authentic self he showed me. I no longer think of myself as a bad person and no longer allow anyone else to make me feel that way. I am standing up for myself and my sense of self.

This program helped me to see how important horses are in my life. After the program I began volunteering at the Medicine Horse Program. I started volunteering there in part to be near Reggie, and in part to be a part of the healing that occurs from the horses. So much has come from volunteering at MHP, especially a new sense of accomplishment and confidence. In addition, I have a new direction for my master’s degree capstone project, which will now be about MHP and the effect their program has on at-risk adolescent girls. I know from my own experience with Reggie, horses can elicit profound change and I want to be a part of that change for someone else. I am thankful every day that I attended the workshop with Kathy that day and met my spirit guide, Reggie.

This story was offered by a wonderful woman named Connie from Colorado.

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